I'm currently back (for any who didn't know..I can't think of who it would be but all the same...) in the United States, going to school. as such, I've been having fun absorbing everything I can, and working toward one of my goals, namely getting involved in my community. This also doubles as figuring out if I actually want to consider Med School. A good thing to know before you start it, is my feeling anyhow.

I'm at the moment starting volunteer work at the hospital at in the ER, more on that as soon as I get done with all of the paperwork. But in the meantime, some thoughts. Sorry, they are couched in academic termns as that is the lens I am currently gazing through.

“no great man ever stops working till he has reached the point of failure: that is to say, his mind is always far in advance of his powers of execution […] if we are to have great men working at all, or less men doing their best, the work will be imperfect, however beautiful. Of human work none but what is bad can be perfect in it’s own bad way”
John Ruskin “The Stones of Venice”

And the guru asks “are you awake? Are you really, awake” and he points to the seven stale and molding loaves of bread beside us and we start from our daydream, and see that even in waking we are still asleep. Sleep like fog has enveloped us and we have to ask ourselves, are we really awake? Not our eyes moving, or our feet walking, but AWAKE. Or are we standing in our pajamas opening the refrigerator door wondering why? and how did we get to this point? and being self-deluding creatures we smile and we say, I was hungry which I never noticed but what the hell I’m here so I must be hungry right? I must need this right? So there’s the fact of the matter, our capacity for self-delusion, the Truth of the matter, so to speak. Do we want the truth? Or products. We have a choice. Would we rather struggle for a truth that our minds will reject and rationalize and struggle for it again and again, or would we rather be happy? If ignorance really is bliss tell me a truth about myself and I will deny you outright and call you a slanderer do we really want the truth. Misery, hardship, is it really what we want?

Eat drink and be merry, that is the call sign of the masses - let the scholars have their lofty God, Pan is the only one for the masses, forever - so what of the brilliant intellect of the suppressed subconscious. Want. Need. It serves its place and purpose in a man, when one doesn't let the “I” of the matter think that he exists alone in this body. “I want” wait, what is it you really want? The esoteric knowledge of dreams and appetites has its place and if we deny them, well…if we deny them than we get politicians. We get lies. Without the connection on all levels of consciousness our capacity for self - delusion can run unrivaled, and Darwin tells us just how well that sort of thing tends to work out. Populations maxed out, where will we have to run to. Like an education of fact without wonder, rationality and ego without desire and inspiration lead us to our isolation. It makes our wants throw temper tantrums like a colicky baby and separates us to an “us” and “them” in both our micro and macro environments.

The more us versus them that we perpetuate, the more we deny ourselves, our subconscious rather than making a dream team superpower of clear connection between the two, letting both our intellect and gut do their jobs, the more we revel in self-delusion and bullshit. Lets cut the bullshit and look at what is real. What we need, not want or think might be kind of pretty. John Ruskin tried to convince his age, to stop compromising, limiting ourselves to uninspired perfection, dead art. If art is dead, what else is there to live for?

“So the rule is simple: Always look for invention first, and after that, for such execution as will help the invention, and as the inventor is capable of without painful effort, an no more. Above all, demand no refinement of execution where there is no thought, for that is slaves’ work, unredeemed.”


The hardest process it seems, is less in asking the right quesitons and more in looking for the right answers...

and the thigns that frustrates me the most is being on the verge. I want to do something. to help the world in a real and large kind of way, but I'm a little like a molton cake, still gooey in the middle, so I'll keep my patience and do what I can.